[[content#Influence|influence]], [[content#Transformative|transformative]], [[content#Complexity|complexity]], [[content#State|state]] discuss with Justine - on edge - there is no such thing as a perfect parent #phrase - how to overcome a parenting mistake - all parents yell #phrase - repair: going back to a moment of disconnection and taking responsibility for behavior by acknowledging the impact it had on the other person - repair opens up the conversation. Apology looks to move on - repair assumes you've messed up - every mistake is an opportunity to improve at repair - What happens without repair - a kid might be alone and overwhelmed and distressed. Without a way to get back to safety and security - self blame - It is adaptive for a child to internalize that they are bad and at fault to bolster the image of their parents and environment as safe and good - #doubt self-criticism is built from the narratives we build as children to feel safe - repair ads in connection, love, coherence, and lesson learned - I will not let this interaction end in self blame - memory is your perspective of the event with the narrative you build around it. Talking about it in a safe space allows you to change your narrative so that you may change your self - self-repair - separate your identity from your behavior #phrase - identity: who you are - behavior: what you did - "I'm not proud of my latest behavior and it does not define me" - you are a good parent (identity) that made a mistake (behavior) - This grounds yourself and your identity allowing you to problem solve for what to do next time and do the repair work from this incident - repair - name what happened - take responsibility - state what you will do differently the next time - "hey I'm sorry about yelling at you at the dinner table. I'm sure that felt `__`.It wasn't your fault. I'm working on staying calm even when frustrated" - extremely short repair intervention has massive impact - no blame - self blame to self-trust - benefits to children in adulthood - won't spiral from self blame - won't take blame from others mistakes - able to take responsibility for their behavior - you are an example for your child - How much would it cost to buy an Apple orchard what's the ROI what's the return on invest what's the initial investment needed What what's the likelihood of getting a bank loan and what's the hours per week per acre and what's the time to return on investment - okay at this place we we went to the wrong pumpkin place and I imagined I wanted to so we realized it was the wrong place so I said to Justin let's buy two pumpkins here and two pumpkins there. Showing her on the map where we kind of wanted to go. So I thought that was fair I was logical made sense It was kind. But when a person got involved someone came out of the house that we're at and just said how are you doing and gave me a smile. I wanted to I felt this impulse too should be kind or some way and that manifested only at the end of money. I want to say hi I don't know if I want to earn people's attention and trust through money. - where is this feeling that I need to endear myself to business owners come from What is this deference